Fuckin' Tea

Q: Are you man enough for all this fucking tea?
A: Nope.

Put Your Ham On Him: Manpon!

I'm hopping that's what he said: "Put your ham on him." Can't really tell, but from now on, I'm referring my ass as my "ham".

"Little run comes out, hit's that manpon..." No. Please. Please don't have that little run come out and hit that manpon. Please don't let that little run exist. 

Questions: So, then does he call the female version a "womanpon"? And at what point does a folded up napkin stuffed up your ass turn from a folded up napkin stuff up your ass into a manpon? This is some Kierkegaard shit.

Cultus Sabbati: The Perfect Lovecraft Soundtrack

Ah, curl up next to your blue cold-flame fire and listen Shoggoth and Elder Gods whisper in your ear, and either read your dog eared copy of In the Mountains of Madness or peruse the Cultus Sabbati liner notes that include a detailed ritual on sacrificing a Salamander. Check it:

Brick Swarming: Holy Crap!

Robo-flies build a frikkin' brick tower! Or "Brick Swarming" for those in the know.

For some of you this means the end is nigh. We are just moments away from being enslaved by robot overlords. For others it's a sign of the approaching Singularity God (Rapture of the Nerds). For still others it's a bunch of flying robots building a tower. Either way, pretty effin' cool:

Read more at NPR here.

Book Report: Doomsday Book by Connie Willis

Doomsday Book by Connie Willis
My rating: 2.25 of 5 stars

Eh. It was fine. Well, it was boring. There was alot of English people prattling on, saying the same shit over and over and over again. (No wonder we rebelled!) And the only thing more boring than Christmas mass is reading about Christmas mass. Obviously, my tolerance of christian iconography and symbolism is running low. That being said, Willis did a great job of painting a picture of the 1600's. Wish she had concentrated more on that.

Actually, I hated this book.

Clarion West 2011 Publications

Here's a little line up of fiction put out by my Clarion West 2011 classmates, written up by the lovely belly dancing Jenni Moody over at her blog Dancing the Story Fantastic. Check out some of these tasty treats!

Shower Every Day: Sound Advice on Getting a Boyfriend

"You have to tell them that you like them. Cause how are they gunna know that you like them... if you don't tell them you like them." This is some logic shit, right here. Sound logic. I'm 35 and this kid is breaking it down for me!

Highschoolers: beware.

"Houses" in Robots: The Recent AI. Edited by Rich Horton and Sean Wallace

I am pumped. Sean Wallace and Rich Horton over at Prime books picked up "Houses" (Lightspeed Issue 18, November 2011) for their collection: Robots: The Recent AI. The line-up is pretty sweet! Check it:

“Tideline” by Elizabeth Bear, Asimov's
“A Jar of Goodwill” by Tobias S. Buckell, Clarkesworld Magazine
“Balancing Accounts” by James Cambias, F&SF
“The Rising Waters” by Benjamin Crowell, Strange Horizons
“The Shipmaker” by Aliette De Bodard, Interzone
“I, Robot” by Cory Doctorow, The Infinite Matrix
“Kiss Me Twice” by Mary Robinette Kowal, Asimov's
“Algorithms for Love” by Ken Liu, Strange Horizons
“Alternate Girl’s Expatriate Life” by Rochita Loenen-Ruiz, Interzone
“The Djinn's Wife” by Ian McDonald, Asimov's
“Houses” by Mark Pantoja, Lightspeed Magazine
“Artifice and Intelligence” by Tim Pratt, Strange Horizons
“Stalker” by Robert Reed, Asimov's
“Droplet” by Benjamin Rosenbaum, F&SF
“Eros, Philia, Agape” by Rachel Swirsky, Tor.com
“Under the Eaves” by Lavie Tidhar, original
“Silently and Very Fast” by Catherynne M.Valente, Clarkesworld
“The Nearest Thing” by Genevieve Valentine, Lightspeed Magazine

Pretty honored to be in this collection. Preorder a copy here.

Robocops: How It Should Have Been Done

Surprised he didn't call it Robotcops. 5 out of 5. She's more Kurtwood Smith than Kurtwood Smith:

Saw this on therumpus.net

Zoochosis: Stray

My old friend Patrick Scott made this beautiful short. Mellifluous. Take a gander:

So nice. Some of you might have heard of Patrick, or his company, Zoochosis. I know some of you have (Thanks Sparky!). Well, expect to hear more about him this next year from me as we're throwing around a few ideas for some projects. Stay Tuned!

"Houses" in Lightspeed Magazine Issue 18

"Houses" is out now in Lightspeed Magazine Issue 18. My first professional sale and it's a Clarion West story! Yum! The whole November 2011 Issue 18 is fantastic. It's pretty awesome to appear next to China Mieville and John Crowley. Pick up a copy here. 

I came to the Clarion West Writer's Workshop with a number of ideas, half-stories, little gems of inspiration, some of which I distilled into stories I submitted to the Workshop, but "Houses" was not one of them. One morning I woke up on my horrible little plastic mattress bunk bed (we dormed in this enormous sorority house and we all all got our own rooms, but we had to sleep on these bunk beds with these mattresses that seemed to be designed to easily hose off vomit from sorority sisters who'd done too many keg stands) and the first line just popped in my head (which I later deleted, as per Terry Bisson’s rules [he's right, by the way]): “After the humans left, the houses got bored.” I had all these ideas after that, about the society these houses and machines we humans left behind created, our toys playing house, so to speak, eventually waking up and realizing that they didn't have to our lead, our psychology, our biology. But, I didn't know how to handle such a thing, it could easily turn into a sprawling work that couldn't be contained in a short story.

Collar Popping: A brief history of Asshole Iconography from the late 1800s to Present

In the apocrypha of haberdashery, popping one’s collar, known technically as "an upturned collar," was first invented by Walter Makepeace Scantleberry in 1889, during a cold windy night in London while stagecoaching. Legend has it that Scantleberry mentioned to his passengers that the wind was whipping up and that he was going "to pop up my collar" so as to protect himself from the cold.

Since that time, the practice of collar popping has enjoyed a long association with the obnoxiously over-privileged and self-entitled asshole. It became so popular during the turn of the 20th century in Europe and America that manufacturers began to make detachable collars that would button in the front and in the back of the shirt, elevating the popped collar from practical application to useless fashion icon of wealth. In his 1902 book Kipps, writer H.G. Wells, a futurist and a practical man, railed against the wearing of the popped collar, pointing out that it was another sign of the elite and that popular application, except for in the cold, was pointless. He further pointed out that it "made [the] neck quite sore and left a red mark under [the] ears." For his part, Wells swore off of them for good.

That's Nature! - The Riddle of the Sphinx: BJ's

Some point to opposable thumbs, some to bipedalism, and still others point to language as being a defining characteristic of human primates. But just like thumbs (Sulawesi Bear Cuscus), bipedalism (Birds!), and language (Ape Language: Koko, Nim Chimpsky) one of the last bastions of human exceptionalism is under attack: blowjobs. And from an unexpected critter: Bats.

Up until now, fellatio, or "blowjobs" (known to the layperson as "BJs"), were thought to be limited to humans and some greater primates, specifically Bonobos (Pan paniscus). That is until these guys came along:

Book Report: Light by M. John Harrison

Light by M. John Harrison

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Here's what I've learned from the M. John Harrison school of writing:

1 - Make sure secondary characters never directly talk about anything important or otherwise, and be sure that they say plenty of enigmatic statements. This can be accomplished by using non-sequitor declarative statements and starting/stopping conversations abruptly.

2 - It is best to describe physical surroundings and characters well after the reader has made a picture in their own minds. For instance in Light: Shadow Boys are mentioned in the first 10 pages, but are not described until page 60, and Anna's apartment, which features prominently in the beginning, isn't fully described until page 150.

3 - Be sure to describe physical actions poorly or not at all, and instead use highly suggestive statements that say very little, like: "They looked at what they did to the boy," but DO NOT go on and describe any what they did to the boy.

4 - Main Characters should never make statements that would directly inform the reader of any motivations.

Man, that hurts.

Passed over for a MacArthur Genius Grant... again. [kicks rocks, pouts]

Well, at least you can hear one of the recipients below:

As reported by NPR news, "Fransisco Núñez founded the Young People's Chorus of New York City in 1988, the same year he graduated from New York University. The chorus now tours internationally, has commissioned more than 50 pieces by contemporary composers."

The piece below, "(Le) Poisson Rouge", starts out a bit slow and dark, but there's some great moments up front: breaking glass, droning cellos... yum!

True Fact: Funerals

They are sad.

True Fact: Fisting

I'll say it again: for an act to be officially recognized as "Fisting" a fist needs to be present and participating.

Clarion West 2011

There is no way to download 6 weeks of learning, studying, networking, socializing, writing, critiquing, arguing, pontificating, strategizing, thinking, and game playing in any other way than experiencing 6 weeks of game playing, thinking, strategizing, pontificating, arguing, critiquing, writing, socializing, networking, studying, and learning. If you are thinking you want to write, then I couldn't encourage you enough to try Clarion West. It was the hardest most intense exhaustive thing I've ever done, and I loved every minute of it. It was amazing to be around 17 other students, 6 professionals, 2 supporters/organizers/professionals (Les and Neile rocked my world!), and countless supporters all PASSIONATE and devoted to not just Science Fiction or Fantasy, but to writing, to the lifestyle, to the community. Thank you so much: Leslie Howle and Neile Graham, Paul Park, Nancy Kress (my hero!), Margo Lanagan (you taught me more than you know), L. Timmel Duchamp, Minster Faust, Charles Stross, Greg and Astrid Bear, Erik Bear, Nisi Shawl, Mary Robinette Kowal, Eileen Gunn, Ellen Datlow, Marci, Mark Teppo, Vonda McIntyre, Brenda Cooper, Nicola Griffith, Kelly Eskridge, and all my fellow writers this year:

Alisa Alering

Alex Bear

John Coyne

Corinne Duyvis

Erik David Even

Sarah Hirsch

Catherine Krahe

Jei D. Marcade

Jennifer Moody

Jack Nicholls

David Rees-Thomas

Maria Romasco-Moore

Jeremy Sim

Anne Toole

Nicholas Tramdack

Steve Wilson

Alberto Yáñez

Keep and eye on those names. You'll be seeing a lot of them soon.

All I know, is that I'm hungry. I want this life, I'm ready for the challenges, and I'm going for it.

New Short Fiction: Gray

A part of an ongoing mosaic of short fiction on aliens, conspiracies, intelligence, and intrigue I've been publishing a bi-weekly serial of stories over at Geek Girl on the Street. All of the stories will be reposted a few weeks later on this site (as this post is evidence of) and may eventually be compiled into a single story collection. Expect updates.

Originally published on April 29, 2011

Gray

by Mark Pantoja

“Nah, mister. It ain’t like that.”

“Really? Then what’re you doing out here?”

“I dunno,” he pulled his jacket tight. His eyes flashed, taking a glance of the tall dude. He shrugged. “My dad died when I was young. My mom, she’s got my sister and her baby. It was tough back home. It just made sense for me to leave. Easy on everyone.” A drag off the cigarette he bummed from dude. “I don’t really do curfews.”

“Obviously.”

The kid took a look around. The streets were filling with the bars closing in a few minutes. The dude kept trying to catch the kid’s eye, but he avoided, giving a shy smile. He knew to play coy, make himself visible to the guys who liked boys.

“I ain’t going to suck your dick.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said: ‘I’m not sucking your dick.”

The dude gave a chuckle. “I haven’t asked you to do anything.”

“Yet.”

Clarionauts!

Whoa! My classmate/workshopmate/fellow creator of wonder Jennifer Moody has launched her own Kickstarter project: Writing & Living at Clarion West 2011.

She's come up with a great project: writing a non-fiction 'zine of the 2011 Summer up in Seattle at Clarion West. Her 'zines look pretty spiffy, and I can't wait to see more of her work. Check out her video here:

Is that a squirrel or a chipmunk?

-Mark